Bedtime Stories
by girl undone
Summary: Commander Rachel Shepard and Garrus Vakarian trade their favourite 'war story' books, but discover that whilst they might be very compatible, their ideas of a good book are not. Rated for suggestive imagery.


A/N: General Gnaeus Aquila and his book 'Total War' are completely made up, non-canon, and can be blamed solely on me putting famous generals into a 'what's my ancient Roman name?' generator (Douglas MacArthur is, in fact, Gnaeus Aquila. Since there's a bar named Aquila that we see briefly in the Palaven ward of the Citadel during Thane's loyalty mission, I felt it fit.) 'Total War' is so imaginatively named because turians practice the idea of total war. Homer, of course, is the brilliant author of 'The Iliad' and 'The Odyssey'.

About the aquarium... well, sure, it looks soldered shut, but how do you get the fish in there? (Or out, if you don't feed them.) I stand by my decision that other, um, things could fall in there. ;)

Shout-out to Thessali, mutual Odysseus and Garrus fangirl!

* * *

Commander Rachel Shepard had been so excited when, after regaling Garrus Vakarian for months with questions about turian culture and arts and literature, he handed her a datapad when she emerged from her morning bathroom routine and said, "I finally found a decent translation to that book I was telling you about."

She snatched it hastily, quickly looking for a title. Her grin faltered a bit. "'Total War' by General Gnaeus Aquila?"

He nodded enthusiastically, "It's a classic. Written after the Krogan Rebellions. Every turian has to read it in school."

Shepard was indeed eager to know more about turian culture, but this wasn't exactly what she meant. In fact, after seeing the turian sculptures in Donovan Hock's vault, she was beginning to wonder how, exactly, the word 'arts' translated from her mouth to Garrus' aural translator. Nonetheless, she smiled, mostly because Garrus looked so pleased, "I can't wait to read it tonight. Even _if_ it was written by someone involved in the Krogan Rebellions." Shepard and Garrus long ago hashed out their opinions on the genophage in many heated arguments, but he had eventually learned to stay quiet on the subject, especially when he realised how directly genocide had affected her ancestors. Even though he didn't completely agree with her viewpoint, he could see how she could be so fervently against it. "But, when I recommended 'The Iliad' and the 'The Odyssey' to you, I should have mentioned they're not exactly instructions on waging war. They're ancient lyrical poems of the heroes of one war and then one hero's journey home, all laced with gods and goddesses starting the war and influencing the humans." Her mouth quirked wryly, "I should have given you Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War'."

Much to her astonishment, Garrus' mandibles flexed in amusement. "I've already read that."

Rachel's brows shot up, and she crossed her arms, holding the datapad to her chest. "Seriously? How? Why?"

His mandibles fluttered in a show of awkwardness. "Well, after the, uh, Relay 314 Incident, we- that is, _turians_," he hastily amended, trying to distance himself that period of history, "were trying to understand humans and the Hierarchy made books like that mandatory reading."

He heard her snort, as though trying to contain her laughter. She reached out to playfully punch his shoulder. "Hey, we've had lots of contact wars ourselves, _Officer Vakarian_." He took her arm, intent on pulling her close when her voice dropped in that tone, but she was grinning impishly up at him. "Did they make you read Machiavelli's 'The Prince' too?"

Garrus removed the datapad he had given her minutes before and tossed it aside, as though he hadn't spent a week searching for a copy he found to be ideal. She took a step into him, her mouth and eyebrows both quirked up coquettishly. His mandibles strained not to grin at her expression. Instead, he replied jocularly, "Oh yeah. That's how we learned how tricky you humans are."

Rachel did not have his reach, but he still growled in surprised when she grabbed his backside. "Oh, I'll show you tricky..."

* * *

After such an eventful morning of second showers, reapplying make-up, and a difficult mission involving an intensive search for Shepard's bra (which was eventually located in the aquarium), it had turned into a surprisingly uneventful day that led to an uneventful night-cycle on the _Normandy_. Dinner was eaten, conversations were had, and the crew drifted off, some back to their posts for night duty, others to the quarters. In the Commander's quarters, it was equally quiet. Garrus was propped up on a pile of pillows, legs drawn slightly up, in an effort to find a more comfortable position in the damned uncomfortable human bed of Commander Rachel Shepard. She, on the other hand, was quite content to be curled up against him, resting her head on his chest as they both perused their datapads in silence.

To be perfectly honest, Rachel Shepard could never be silent for long. Especially when she was bored. Garrus' talons were absent-mindedly sliding through her hair when she finally decided to ask, "So, what do you think?"

Garrus' hand paused in her hair and he shifted again, silently cursing the bed. "Well, this human-"

"Odysseus," she interrupted, then added, "Don't worry, most humans can't pronounce it right on the first try anyway."

Garrus made a derisive noise that made her nestle further against his chest. The first time she had done this, all those months ago, he found it bizarre. But now that he found that enjoyed it, not only because she especially liked it, but because it was another display of affection she did only with him. His talons resumed stroking her hair. "Right, well, I don't understand how he's the hero. He's a cunning liar. He has no honour."

From a petted kitten basking in the warmth of a sunny spot below a window, to a scalded cat, Rachel shot up, barely wincing as her hair snagged on his talons. "How can you insult one of my fictional loves like that? He's the perfect example of human ingenuity! Look at how he defeated the Trojans!"

Garrus untangled his hand from her hair, shaking his head in incredulity. "He's a perfect example of why humans aren't trusted. The Greeks should have rounded their numbers into a stronger unit for a tactical attack on the walls of Troy, but instead, your hero and 'fictional love'" he finger-quoted, making her cross her arms defiantly, "give them a peace offering which the honourable Trojans take at face value, only to be betrayed and attacked by that cunning hero of yours and his wily tricks. And, by the way, how many of those do you have?"

Rachel gave a shallow laugh of disbelief. "You say you're a bad turian and yet you're a true one, through and through! First of all, your treasured book is a manual on 'scorched earth' warfare and then you slander one of the most brilliant-minded fictional heroes in human literature! Honour is one thing, but keeping that honour just to die when you're out-manned is idiocy! Odysseus' wily mind is so praised by us humans because it shows how we can overcome poor odds and go from the underdog to the winner." She tossed her head with a smirk. "Fictional men are always better to crush on than real ones anyway." She picked up her abandoned datapad and waved it at him. "One of my fictional crushes would have recommended this to me years ago to cure insomnia rather than tell me it was a good read."

He grunted, cursing the bed as he shifted again. "Human ingenuity leaves a lot to be desired. It created this damned bed, for example. Or having one word that means ten different things. Or being unable to appreciate fine literature."

She laughed again, this time in true amusement at his irritation. "Are you angry that I don't like your classic text book on how to decimate an entire solar system or are you jealous of my many fictional crushes? Because you sure seemed to like tricky things humans could do this morning."

Garrus found it maddening that he couldn't stay angry or irritated with her for long. All she had to do was something so simple, like laugh like that and look at him in a particular way, and their arguments fell to flirtatious banter in seconds. He pounced her playfully, pinning her back on the bed. "'Crush' was it?"

Rachel had the quads to laugh in her compromised position, not even trying to wriggle her way out of it. "Not crush as in 'you're crushing a datapad into my back'- which you are by the way." Ever thoughtful, Garrus reached underneath her to pull the offending datapad away. She took the distraction to wrap her legs around his waist and try to flip him over, but only managed a hard shove. With a grunt, she finished, "Crush as in to like romantically."

His mandibles were wide with mocking as he held her in position, tapping her on the head with the datapad before tossing it to the floor. "You're a terrible hand-to-hand combatant. I suppose you used all those tricks and wily brains to get through training?"

She tried to look annoyed, but her eyes were flickering with mirth. "You're a smug ass. I haven't had to do hand-to-hand since basic and I can't help it if you're twice my weight. Fine, so I'm terrible at sparring. I admit it. I'm not one of those insane vanguards with their biotic charges and I'm not a krogan, last time I checked."

He was quite aware that she hadn't moved her legs from around his waist after her failed attempt to flip him over. The truth was, he didn't mind she wasn't very good at sparring with him. There were so many other things she could do. In fact, he was beginning to have trouble concentrating on her words and not her legs wrapped around him. As it was, his laugh came out a little hoarsely, "You do seem to like my scars."

It was her turn to grin smugly as she reached up to stroke his scarred mandible. "I do love a man with scars."

He pressed his forehead to hers, still teasing, though his mandible fluttered under her touch. "But only fictional ones?"

Rachel was just as tricky and wily as Odysseus, Garrus decided, as her hand slid past his mandible across the soft hide of neck, to the sensitive skin underneath his fringe. Her voice dropped conspiratorially, "I think there's a real one that can take their place. Think you're up for it, _Officer Vakarian_?"

"Oh yeah," was his rumbling reply as the only war left on their minds was one of mutual conquest.


End file.
